


Journal Entries

by Z_OTAKU19



Category: Once Upon a Time RPF
Genre: F/F, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:47:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27055156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Z_OTAKU19/pseuds/Z_OTAKU19
Summary: Set sometime around season six filming. Jen keeps a journal where she writes about her feelings about her favorite costar. Thing is, journals are supposed to stay private.
Relationships: Jennifer Morrison/Lana Parrilla
Comments: 7
Kudos: 38





	Journal Entries

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I'm back! Truth be told, I never really left. I was working on that other morrilla fic back in like May, but then I had finals and then I was busy with SQSN and now I'm back on my bullshit, because twitter never lets me free. If you were interested in that fic, I'm sorry but I don't know if I'll ever finish that. I'm just not it the right headspace for it anymore, yk? Sorry about that.
> 
> For those of you coming from twitter, you may know I said something about writing a morrilla fic. This is not that fic. This is a fic born from a scene that I cut out of that fic that spiraled into a 6k standalone fic. I'm still working on the other fic, but that won't be for a while. 
> 
> I should also mention that this idea is not entirely my own. I was loosely basing this of a swanqueen fic, at least what I remember of it. It's been years since I read it. If you recognize the fic, let me know so I can give proper credit. I think the title was something about unrequited love.
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy! All mistakes are my own and as always, I don't own Lana or Jen or anything. These are just my delusions, please don't attack me for this.

It was her therapist’s idea. Write something in this journal everyday. Get whatever you’re feeling out there, vent. And it would be good, because everything’s all on paper so no one else could hack her computer or phone and leak all her secrets to tabloid magazines. 

So Jennifer begrudgingly accepted the task, because it wasn’t like her mental state could get any worse. What with the way the show had butchered her Dark Swan arc to prioritze a fucking ship and upend the entire storyline to salvage said ship at the cost of everything, Jennifer was ready to drop ship herself. But what was absolutely devastating was the handling of the Dark Swan arc, watching all her hard work characterizing and preparing disappear, and nowadays Jen can’t bring it in herself to care about anything related to the show anymore. Maybe a distraction was exactly what she needed.

_I hate this stupid assignment. It’s dumb, and I don’t want to do it. It’s easier to scream into my pillow. Why should I even do this? My hand is already cramping. Maybe I can focus on that instead of how shitty I feel._

Even with season six focusing mostly on Regina with the split queen arc ( _who the hell even comes up with this stuff,_ she thought), Jen still had quite a lot of hours. At first, Jen mostly wrote about her own feelings, or simple things like what she ate that day or random thoughts she had. _I had a shake. It was green. Why aren’t clouds bouncy?_ But since she was working so much, she began focusing her writing about what things were like on set, how her coworkers were doing. It was definitely easier than addressing her own feelings every damn day.

Her first entry about Lana was really silly. Jen had written:

_Lana challenged me to a texting game. It’s been so many years since we’ve done this. I was out of practice. That’s the only reason why I lost >:( I didn’t know there were four different mailbox emojis. Why do we need all of these emojis anyways? No one communicates with just emojis. _

***

She didn’t write about Lana for a week after that. They had different scenes and they rarely saw each other. No matter. It’s not like they were close friends who actively sought each other out. Lana hung out with Jared, Bex, Emilie, and Sean, Jen hung out with Colin and Josh. Ginny was the only real link they shared these days. Jen accepted that. She never made any moves, and neither did Lana. So it was fine. That texting game was the anomaly.

The next time Jen wrote about her, it had been a really bad day. Jen had little sleep the night prior, and she was feeling unwell. That unwell feeling developed into a full blown migraine, and she had to take a breather in her trailer. She had covered herself completely in a thick blanket and curled up into a ball, wanting the pain and dizziness to go away.

“I’m surprised you made it back here on your own,” a voice rang out softly. Even in her impaired state, Jen could make out Lana’s distinct voice. She supposed the brunette followed her since she basically ran out of their scene.

“You don’t have to be here. I’ll be okay,” Jen tried to say, but underneath the blankets and with the pain the words couldn’t come out properly and she just let out a strangled sob.

“Don’t worry about rushing back to set,” Lana continued, “They switched around the shooting schedule for today. Whatever isn’t done today we can do tomorrow.”

“So-sorry…” Jen mumbled, and this time she was audible. But she was also coughing on her own spit and very dehydrated.

Lana pulled back the blanket covering Jen’s face. “You’ll suffocate with the blanket over your head like that. Here,” she said. Jen noticed that Lana had closed all the curtains. It was really dark, dark enough where all Jen could make out was Lana’s face inches away from hers, and for a moment Jen thought Lana was going to kiss her forehead. 

Instead, Lana stroked her cheek. “I’m going to stay with you today. And,” she paused, “I’ll be here anytime you need me.”

Later that night, Jen wrote:

_I had a migraine and delayed filming. But Lana came by to check up on me and she gave me water and everything. I feel guilty about it; she shouldn’t have felt compelled to take care of me. I hope I can repay her someday soon._

***

It seemed that after that day, something changed within Jennifer, and her thoughts and journal entries about Lana became more frequent.

_I made Lana some brownies to thank her for the other day. She was super happy. She called them “slutty brownies” and I got really embarrassed, which made her laugh a lot. At least she’s happy._

***

_I was running late and had to work at 6AM. It sucked. Lana started work a little later, and she dropped by my trailer to give me coffee. I was surprised she knew what I liked. Maybe she remembered it from somewhere, or maybe she asked Ginny. She also reminded me that it was my turn to order sushi, which I completely forgot to do. At least no one was upset that the sushi was late. The sushi was good._

***

_I flubbed a line, and Lana thought it was hilarious. I think she almost peed herself even. It felt good to genuinely laugh like that. I hope that moment makes it onto the blooper reel. I bet swanqueen fans would love that scene._

***

_Lana and Bex were messing around on set during break today. They looked like they were having a lot of fun. I almost wanted to ask if I could join them, but that would be intrusive. So I stayed in my chair and pretended to read._

Eventually, entries became exclusively about Lana, and Jen’s observations of her.

_Lana hugged me and gave me a high five today. It was cold outside, and she warmed me up so quickly. Better than my coat at least._

***

_Lana looked really sad today. I tried asking her if anything was wrong or if she was just tired, but she didn’t talk to me. But I saw her talking with Ginny afterwards. I guess Ginny is better to talk to, but it still hurt for some reason._

***

_Lana hung out in my trailer so we could go over one of our scenes. I was messing up a lot and she reassured me that everything would be okay. “If you get out all your nerves now, you’ll be fine when we actually shoot.” Everything did go well during filming. Maybe because we were standing at a distance._

***

_I complimented Lana’s outfit, her real outfit, not her costume. She beamed at me. She has such a wonderful smile. I want her to smile at me like that everyday._

***

It was pretty embarrassing when Jen had to talk about her progress in therapy and all she could show was pages and pages about her coworker. She felt ashamed, like she was a stalker fan being called out. At one point she contemplated burning the book. Thankfully, aside from a raised eyebrow, her therapist wasn’t outwardly judgmental.

“I noticed that you tend to refer to Lana as a coworker, while you refer to Colin as a friend. Are you aware of that?” her therapist asked.

“I guess,” Jen scratched her head, not sure where this was leading.

“Is that a point of contention for you?”

Jen sighed. “We just...aren’t very close. I don’t think we’re really friends. I mean, she doesn’t treat me like she does her friends, like Bex or Sean. She’s more...guarded? Around me, I mean. At least that’s how it feels sometimes.”

Her therapist nodded. “I ask because you seem to not be close to her at all, yet based on these writings, she’s the one you pay attention to the most. Do you think you know why that is?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you enjoy writing about Lana?”

The question caught Jen off guard. “Um, do I enjoy it? I...I don’t know. I just started doing it more.”

“Alright, let me rephrase that. Does writing about Lana make you happier? Do you feel any different when you write about her?”

“I…” It was true that Jen did feel lighter whenever she wrote about Lana. Lana was usually filled with so much contagious joy and energy, so maybe that lightness passed off on her somehow. At least that’s what Jen rationalized. That had to be what it was. 

“I do,” Jen affirmed. “Is that significant? Does that mean anything?”

Her therapist smiled knowingly, as if she figured something out that Jen didn’t realize. “Here’s what I want you to do from now on. I still want you to write something everyday, but since you’re so focused on Lana, try to write about those emotions. What do you feel when you think about her in those moments? What draws you to her; how would you describe her? Things like that. I think you’ll find the answer to your question if you do that.”

It frustrated the blonde, knowing that her therapist knew something she didn’t. But she nodded and agreed to try out their proposal. This shouldn’t be too hard. After all, it’s just Lana. No harm in that.

***

_Lana looks so happy today. It makes me envious. I don’t know how she’s so happy when she’s being subjected to 7-day work weeks with ridiculous hours. Maybe her husband is taking good care of her at home. Fuck, why am I thinking about him at all? Why does he make me so irratio-_

“Whatcha doing?” Lana popped out from behind Jen and fuck fuck fuck Jen slammed her journal closed as quickly as possible. Jen tried to act normal, like she wasn’t just shitting on her coworker’s husband. “Jesus Lana! You can’t sneak up on people like that!” 

Lana laughed, and Jen turned to face her and thank god Lana wasn’t in her Evil Queen getup today because Jen was sure she’d make a complete fool of herself again. She remembered the few occasions when she was filming with Lana in the queen getup, and winced at how badly she got distracted and forgot her lines. That was normal, though. Everyone got caught staring at the Evil Boobs, right?

“It’s fun to scare you though!” Lana teased, playfully nudging Jen’s shoulder. “You were so focused on whatever you were writing, and I saw an opportunity.”  
  


“Nice people don’t intentionally try to scare their friends,” Jen pointed out. Instantly, she began to panic. She just called Lana her friend. Was she even allowed to do that? Does Lana think they’re friends?

Thankfully, Lana didn’t mention the word choice. “Well I’m not nice. I’m evil!” Lana pouted. Jen fought back the urge to roll her eyes, because she doubted that there was even an evil bone in the brunette’s body. At least, Lana hasn’t ever shown that side of herself to Jen. “I ask again, what were you writing?” Lana reiterated.

Jen figured it wouldn’t hurt to give Lana a general answer. “It’s a private journal thing. Therapy assignment,” she added, not wanting to sound too secretive. 

At the word “therapy,” Lana’s playful smile changed to a look of concern. “Therapy? Jen, are you okay?”

“Oh, I’ve been better,” Jen admitted. Why she was telling Lana this, she had no idea. “It’s just that after season 5, I’ve been feeling really down in the dumps, like it’s hard to breathe sometimes. Metaphorically, I mean. I’ve been going to therapy again to help cope with that.”

“Oh,” Lana said softly, like she completely understood why Jen was upset and feeling down. “I don’t mean to intrude on your treatment, but...as your friend, is there anything I can do to help?”

Jen’s eyes widen at the use of “friend.” It felt right, hearing it from her lips. ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ The earnestness in that last statement reached her, and Jen started talking before she realized what she was saying.

“Actually, maybe we could hang out some more? My therapist recommended me just being around my friends, even if we don’t do anything. Just being nearby would help a lot.”

Lana’s mouth parted open, looking surprised by the request. ‘Maybe she wasn’t actually expecting a response at all,’ Jen thought sadly. ‘There I go, me and my big mouth making things awkward.’

But like passing clouds, the surprise left as quickly as it came. Back was the bright sun and Lana’s cheerful smile. “Is that all? Sure! I’d love to spend more time with you!” 

“Really?” Jen was smiling too now because damn joy is contagious sometimes.

“Really!” Lana affirmed. Just then, a crew member called Lana back to the set. “Aw, I have to go. But I’ll talk to you later. Promise!” She blew a kiss at Jen and walked away.

After quickly glancing around making sure no one was around, Jen opened her journal and finished writing her entry, her goofy smile never leaving her face.

_Nevermind what I was going to say about the husband. I don’t even care about him anymore. Lana just interrupted me and almost caught me writing about her. That was super scary. Imagine how mortified Lana would be if she found out I was writing about her every day. It would ruin our friendship for sure. Yeah, she called us friends! And she promised to spend more time with me! I’m so happy I think I might faint!_

***

Lana kept her promise to spend more time with Jen. It was hard because she had so many scenes and barely any breaks. However, there were still openings, like when they had scenes together. Whenever they were waiting for the crew to get set up, Lana would scooch closer to Jen and make idle chatter, asking how things were going and if Jen was feeling okay or if she needed to rest. Jen recorded all these conversations, naturally.

_Lana asked me if I needed a break. How ironic. If anyone needs a break, it’s her! How is she still awake after all her work?! How is what she’s going through humane or ethical at all?! I know she’s looking out for me because I have migraines, and I wish I had a convenient health reason to look out for her too. I don’t know what I’m saying. I just want to take care of her after a long day._

***

_Lana dropped by again. I told her she doesn’t have to drop by if it’s inconvenient for her. Guess what she told me? She said that she likes spending time with me a lot so it didn’t matter. I was really bashful? I mean, to hear her say it, it makes me feel special. More special than Bex and Sean. No, I know that’s not true. There’s no way she cares about me more than them. But when we’re together, it really does feel like it and for a moment I really believe that._

***

_We had free time, so we took a break in my trailer today. We were exhausted so we napped on the couch. I haven’t slept that good in a long time. I wanted to smash my phone when the alarm rang. Lana seemed to have slept well. I hope she didn’t mind sleeping on top of me; the couch was kinda small._

Of course, Jen also wrote more in depth about her feelings regarding the brunette, as her assignment requested.

_Lana, if I had to describe you in one word, well, that’d be so difficult. I mean, it’s you. You’re so complex and multilayered. Every moment I spend with you I learn something new. Like how your nose crinkles adorably whenever you’re giddy or trying to withhold good news. That was you today. You were happy about something Ginny said. Is it wrong for me to say I was disappointed? Mostly because I wanted you to be happy over something I did. I don’t even know why I feel that way; it’s not like I’ve done anything special to make you happy. I think. I wish I knew how to make you smile like that. Then I could do it all the time. Why would I want to do it all the time? Because...I want you to be happy. Yeah, that’s right._

***

_Remember when we took those swanqueen sweater photos? That was genuinely a good day, even if we did get hell for it afterwards. Can I confess something though? I wasn’t nearly as excited about swanqueen when we took the photos. I was excited and happy because you saw a swanqueen sweater and immediately thought of me. I was honored that you showed up to work on your rare day off to take that photo with me._

_But you were doing it for the swanqueen fans. I was too, don’t get me wrong. But you went out of your way for them. That’s fine though; you’ve always been better at talking to them than me. When people mention Emma or me as an LGBT icon, I’m just so much more awkward and nervous about the whole thing. I get clammy and tense up because I’m scared of something. Not like you. You handle those things with so much ease. I wish I wasn’t so cowardly. Then I could be like you. I could be open and...free._

***

_Your bags...they seemed heavier today at makeup. I hope you got enough sleep. Or maybe he kept you up all night doing, well I don’t want to write that. I’m weirdly grossed out thinking about it. Well if he did keep you up, fuck him. He should be taking care of you when you’re tired, not concerning himself with his needs. If I was in his shoes, I would give you foot massages when you came home and tuck you in bed so you would sleep well. Wait, why am I imagining myself as your significant other? That doesn’t make sense, right? I’ve never...I’ve never been felt...with a woman before. I mean, I have a girl crush on you, but..._

_  
_ _Anyways your husband...he really is such an ass. You know that right? I mean...he’s such a douche and always acting so stupidly entitled like he isn’t the lucky one to be with you. I mean I guess if you love him it’s okay, but you really deserve better. Better than him at least._

***

_You were in my dreams last night. Okay, that came out wrong. I meant to say, I had a dream about you. We were in some flower meadow somewhere having a picnic and it started raining, like storming, so we ran back to the car to stay dry. And we didn’t want to drive in the storm so we kept eating in the car. And you were laughing at something I said about penguins and then I started laughing and we were both so happy. And it was wonderful._

_And then I woke up._

***

Weeks turn into months, and after a while, Jen did begin to feel lighter. As much as she hated to admit it, writing in this journal really did bring her some much needed peace of mind. Being able to express all the complicated feelings she had for Lana she couldn’t express to anyone else helped a lot.

Jen knew deep down that her feelings for Lana were not just platonic. She still refused to write the “L” word, as though writing it down would make her feelings any more real than they already were. However, even in a private journal, there were still walls Jen wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ break down because doing so was surely a terrible thing to do. It was better to keep things as they were, so Lana would still be happy.

Change did come though. It came during one of their rare Saturday “hangout sessions.” They were in Lana’s house—Fred and the boys were on some skiing thing—relaxing on the couch when Jen let the bomb drop.

“So you’re really leaving after this season?” Lana asked, and Jen swore her eyes were glistening with unshed tears, and fuck if Jen didn’t want to lean over to her and wipe them away.

Instead, Jen rubbed her temples, choosing her next words carefully so as to let Lana down lightly. “Yeah, I was talking it over and over and I do love Emma and I have good memories of the show. Nowadays though, I’ve been just too depressed, pouring everything I am into this role with so little payoff. It makes every day a struggle honestly and I’ve been miserable—not because of you,” Jen quickly added, not wanting Lana to think that she thought little of the other woman.

Lana was quiet for a while, and Jen retracted into herself, preparing for the inevitable. Then Lana asked, her voice barely above a whisper, “Will we still be able to spend time together?”

Jen was stunned. She was expecting an outburst like, “How could you be so selfish?!” or “How will the show go on without you?” She never considered that Lana would be worried about their friendship. She also didn’t expect Lana to be so _timid_ , like she was afraid of losing something important. No, that couldn’t be.

“Well, yeah I mean, you know me. If I’m not working, why not?,” Jen replied. Feeling bold, she cheekily added, “If you miss me too much, you could alway crash at my place. It’s just me and Ava after all; I’d love the company.”

Lana looked a little surprised, but quickly bounced back. “Really? Well I might have to take you up on that offer. I do miss the LA sun.”

“Would Fred approve of your relocation?” Jen teased. She loved their playful banter.

At the mention of the name “Fred,” Lana’s face noticeably fell. She looked away, and her hands were fidgeting. Finally, she remarked, “Who cares what he thinks?” Her tone was bitter, and there was a sad look on her face that made Jen’s heart drop to her feet.

It hadn’t occurred to Jen that everything wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows in Lana’s life. Remembering all the times she looked so damn happy right after they got married, Jen had assumed that things would still be that way. Apparently not. 

“Well...I’ll really miss you on set Jen,” Lana reached over and wrapped Jen into a hug. Jen took deep breaths, trying not to completely melt in the brunette’s arms.

“Y-Yeah, I’ll miss you a lot too,” Jen stammered, pulling away before she lost it completely. “Y-You’re staying on the show for sure then?”

Lana rubbed her eyes, sniffling. “Yeah I mean, I’ve spent so long playing Regina, I don’t want to let go of her yet. I’m not ready for that. If the season gets renewed, well I’ll stick around for it.”

“Hey, you know they’ll milk out one more season of crazy before it ends,” Jen reassured her.

“Yeah.”

They fell into comfortable silence, neither knowing what to say to the other woman. Jen was torn between hugging Lana tight and leaving before she hurt Lana some more. 

Choosing the latter, Jen coughed and stood up, grabbing her bag. “Um, I guess I better go. It’s getting late.” It was already dark outside. 

“Oh of course.” Lana stood up and walked her to the door. “You’ll be alright heading back on your own?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Okay. And, uh, the thing about you leaving, that is, did you tell anyone else yet? Should I keep quiet about it?”

“Well, I need to tell Adam and Eddy soon. I’ve only really told you just now, so yeah, keeping quiet. Sounds good.” Jen wanted to slap herself. Why was she always so inarticulate around Lana?

Lana smiled warmly. “Good night Jen,” she called out as she closed the door.

“Good night!”

Jen made it back to her rental apartment safe and sound. She took a shower and got ready for bed. Everything was normal until she reached into her bag to record the day’s entry.

Nothing. She reached again, digging deeper. Still nothing. Jen began to panic, because that journal had four months worth of her deepest most innermost thoughts and feelings and that was information that couldn’t fall into the wrong hands. Shit shit shit, Jen began to pace her room, trying to remember where it could be. 

Then she remembered. She had it in her bag when she was driving to Lana’s place. They spent the whole day together in that house. That meant that her journal could only be at…

Oh shit. Jen was _so fucked_. She tried calling Lana. No answer. Getting more desperate, Jen sent a quick text.

_Lana. I left my book at your place. Please don’t read it. I’ll pick it up tomorrow. Just...have it with you. But don’t read it. Please._

Lana didn’t reply, not did it show that she saw the message. Jen didn’t sleep a wink that night.

***

***

_I...I know this isn’t a girl crush anymore. A girl crush wouldn’t make me stay up at night thinking about you, or if you’re getting enough sleep. A girl crush wouldn’t have such a hold over my life, invading my thoughts and driving my desires. No this feeling is something much more._

_And I’m not sure what to do about it. I can’t tell you obviously, because you’re in love with someone else and I’m just some friend/coworker person who happens to be in your life. I know you called us friends before, but I know it’s not the same, because I see you with your friends and how open and happy and energetic you are with them, and then when you’re with me everything’s muted, like you’re tired and I’m sucking the life out of you. Don’t get me wrong, I love the times we spend together. But I wish I could make you laugh the way you do around your real friends. Fuck, I’m so envious of everyone. I should be the one painted green._

***

The next day is Sunday, and while Jen didn’t have work, Lana did. So, Jen got dressed first thing in the morning and drove to set herself. She received curious glances from the staff, because who would ever show up to set when they’re off duty? 

Lana was busy with scenes when she arrived, so Jen paced outside her trailer waiting for her to return. She passed the time with passerby fans, signing autographs and taking photos and hearing something about “morrilla.” She paid those comments no mind, her mind thinking about far more important things. The minutes turn to hours, and it’s agonizing, knowing that there is a high chance that Lana read something in that book. Jen hoped to high heaven that Lana accidentally only read an early entry and not one of her ramblings talking about how beautiful she was. 

“Jen! There you are! The crew said that you were looking for me?” Jen spun to greet Lana and her mouth hung open. Lana had clearly rushed over directly from filming, and she was completely decked out in her Evil Queen attire, tight corsets and all. She was out of breath, likely from running too fast, and her chest was heaving, making her cleavage stand out all the more.

“Jen? Are you okay? You’re turning red,” Lana pointed out and Jen slapped herself so hard she left a bruise.

“Jen!”

“No no, it’s okay, it was just… a mosquito,” Jen explained lamely. 

“A mosquito,” Lana repeated, her lips curling upwards into a wide grin. 

“Yeah… a mosquito.”

Lana laughed “I’m sure. What was it you needed again?”

Right. The journal. “Yeah, I’m just here to pick up my journal. I texted you about it last night; I probably should have told you I was coming beforehand. If you didn’t bring it, that’s okay.” 

“Ah, that’s right. Yeah, I have it in my bag. Come inside.” Lana opened the door and gestured Jen to follow. Lana’s trailer is messy with lots of things strewn about. Her bag is hidden on a counter surrounded by chocolate and flowers, presumably from fans.

“Here it is,” Lana exclaimed, pulling the book out. “You need to be more careful Jen. What if someone else found it? Someone nosy?”

“Ha ha, yeah that would be terrible,” Jen could finally breathe again, because her journal was safely back in her hands and it seemed like Lana hadn’t read it, because Lana was treating her like she always did. Or at least it seemed like she was trying to act normal around her. Jen didn’t think about it too much. “Thank you Lana. I should get going.”

But when Jen turned to leave, she tripped over one of Lana’s jackets left lying on the floor, and the book flew out of her hands. As she picked up the book again, a scrap piece of paper fell out of one of the pages. It looked like an old receipt.

Jennifer’s eyes widened, because she reads a lot but she has never ever used a scrap piece of paper as a bookmark. Nor would she use scrap paper to bookmark her own journal. Lana noticed her mistake and quickly tried to hide the paper, but it was already too late.

“Lana. I’m going to ask you a question, and I expect an honest answer.” Jen’s voice was emotionless, dread sinking in. 

Lana flinched at the tone like a deer in headlights, already knowing what would happen next. Still, she nodded quietly. 

“Did you go through my journal last night?”

Lana hesitated, looking down. Then she nodded, “I...yes. Yes I did.”

“How much did you read?” Jen demanded. 

Sad caramel eyes locked with furious, dark green eyes. Lana’s lips quivered, and she looked _ashamed_. “All of it,” she admitted.

“That was private!” Jen screeched. “I told you before that this was a private journal! If you only read one entry out of curiosity I could understand, but all of it?! This is just—I thought I could trust you!”

“You _can_ Jen—” 

“So now you know, huh? Well isn’t that just swell. Did you get a good laugh out of it when you we're flipping through the pages? Poor Jen, pathetically pinning over the married woman!”

“Jen that’s not it. Please let me explain,” Lana tried.

But Jen wasn’t listening anymore. Jen was already out the door, running back to her car, back to her apartment.

Running away from Lana.

***

_Okay I should try this “describe in one word” thing again. I guess I could just say “sexy,” and I’d be correct, but that’d be a lie. Not because it’s untrue, like I just said, you are hot as hell, just when I’m with you I don’t feel turned on? Well I do but not always and argh this is hard to write down. Okay so it’s not really a word I associate with you, just like a feeling. Like imagine it’s a really cold winter night and I’m freezing. You’d be the warm cozy blanket I’d grab and wrap myself in tightly, and it’d be so warm and cozy. And I’d be by a fireplace and drinking hot cocoa and everything just feels so right and I’m home. That feeling...I feel it every time you touch me._

_I want to feel like that all the time. But that’d be selfish, right? Only assholes demand and demand from their lover without offering anything in return. And I have nothing to offer you. I can cook and clean, if you ever get tired of domestic work._

_But let’s be honest, in like ten years from now, we probably won’t see each other ever again. You’ll be on another hit show because it’s you and I’ll be jumping between various projects trying to figure out my midlife crisis and I’ll be wishing I could feel your warmth again. But you don’t need me, because I don’t make you smile or give you anything in return so I take whatever you’re so gracious to give me. So when we stop working together, it’ll be all over. And I’ll wrap myself in my blanket that isn’t nearly as warm and think that this is the most I’m ever going to get._

_And that’s okay._

_I just need to learn to make peace with that._

***

Jen cried and screamed into her pillow. She wanted to burn that stupid journal. She wanted to yell at her therapist for coming up with the stupid idea, and for encouraging her to write more about Lana. She wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear somewhere Lana will never find her. She wanted to drink her sorrows away like there was no tomorrow. Well, now that Lana knew her darkest secrets, there really was no tomorrow for Jen.

Jen settled on the last option, drinking through a bottle of wine with her “sad songs” playlist on speaker, mourning her ruined friendship. She stayed like that all day, ignoring the phone calls and text message notifications that could only be from one person. The blonde woman no longer had the strength or will to face her. The day turned into night.

Then the doorbell rang. Jen ignored it. Then the doorbell rang again. Jen ignored it again. Then a series of knocks rang out. _Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock Knock!_ This time, Jen groaned and slowly rolled out of bed, stumbling to the door to give the person at the other end a piece of her mind. Using what little strength she had, she swung open the door.

There she was. Back in her normal clothes, including that damn leather jacket Jen tripped over. Jen thought about screaming at her, but she was too inebriated from all the alcohol.

Lana spoke first. “You’ve been drinking,” she commented. 

Jen rolled her eyes. “Astute observation, your majesty. I don’t want you here. Go away.” Jen tried to close the door, but Lana, being of sober mind, pushed through with little struggle.

Jen scoffed at the audacity of this woman, following her to the kitchen area. “Yeah, that’s right! Who cares what I say?! You ignore my personal boundaries all the time!” She gripped the counter, watching Lana open her fridge like she owned the place, pulling out a pitcher of cold water and pouring a glass.

“Drink this. It’ll clear your head,” Lana ordered, extending the glass. Reluctantly, Jen complied, slowly taking large sips. When the glass was almost empty, Lana continued, “We need to talk about this morning.”

Now that Jen was feeling a bit better she was strong enough to talk back. “So you can laugh in my face? I think not,” she impulsively snapped.

“Oh stop being so overdramatic and listen to me. You’ve clearly already drowned your sorrows,” Lana said, and Jen obeyed and snapped her mouth shut because even though she’s been hurt and betrayed, her heart still belonged to Lana. 

“Jen, when I first found the book, I admit, I opened a random page out of curiosity,” Lana explained. “But when I found the entries about _me_ , I just couldn’t bring myself to stop reading, and I’m _so sorry_ . But I _had_ to know at all costs.”

“Had to know _what_?” Jen croaked.

“That you’re in love with me!”

“Wha-wha-what?! I-I’m not—” Jen stuttered. She was too drunk for this. She wasn’t drunk enough for this. The room began to spin again and she lurched forward, about to throw up.

But she didn’t fall. Strong hands gripped her sides, propping her upright. Lana shifted positions so that she was holding her with one arm, using her free hand to make Jen meet her eyes.

“It’s okay, you know. To be in love with me.” Lana reassured softly, stroking blond curls out of Jen’s face.

““It’s okay?” How can you say—you’re not…” What was Lana insinuating? She couldn’t be... 

Lana sighed and looked at Jen with soft, pitying eyes. “Jen, don’t you realize? Think about it. Why do I like being around you so much? Why do I always follow you to your trailer, away from prying eyes? Why did I invite you over yesterday, just you? Don’t you think there’s a reason for that?”

Jen shook her head _no_ because Lana was saying things that weren’t making sense at all.

“I know how you feel about my relationships with everyone else,” Lana began. “It’s _true_ that with people like Sean and Bex, I smile a lot. I laugh a lot. But my reality isn’t that rosy. In reality, I’m struggling all the time. Because as much as I love Regina, I’m still busting my back into an unforgiving industry just like you. And I go home to a house that doesn’t love me, with a husband who only expects me to serve his needs and be his perfect wife and mother to his children. I’ve spent years being the happy popular coworker on set and at the end of the day I was just a _wife_ . I was _never_ allowed to be just me.”

“ _You_ ,” Lana continued sharply, “are the only person in this goddamn _world_ that irrevocably accepts me for who I am. You know what it’s like to be drained by something you love. When I look more tired and “muted” around you, as you put it, that’s not me being bored or unsatisfied. That’s me finally letting down my walls and happy facade so I can just _be_. And you let me, without judgement, because you’ve never demanded I ever be anything but myself, because you are just that kind. You give me the freedom and safety I have always long desired.”

“In one of your entries, you wrote that we’d be apart in ten years, never speaking to one another again. I disagree. You know where I see myself in ten years? I see myself standing beside you, in our shared house because we moved in together. I see us adopting a few puppies after Lola and Ava pass on. I see us struggling to manage our hectic work schedules because we’re working on different projects, but we still remember to kiss each other goodnight at the end of the day. Truth be told, I can’t think of a future without you.”

“Finally, I know you’ve been hung up about you “pining” over me. You should know that...your feelings aren’t unrequited.”

“I’ve felt the same way for a long time.”

The speech ended, and the room plunged into silence, Lana waiting for Jen to process everything. Jen’s heart felt like it was ready to burst from her chest. She pinched herself repeatedly, making sure that this wasn’t a dream.

“Wait, so you really do—”

Jen never finished her question. Gentle hands cupping her face, Lana pulled her forwards and kissed her.

***

_This is going to sound really corny Lana, but every time I finish writing one of these entries, I reread it and get all giddy, like I’m a teenage girl. Because I’m reading what I wrote and I’m falling for you all over again._

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I usually don't make end notes but I just wanted to drop this lil piece of advice I heard a while back. "If all else fails, write a stream of conscious diary to break free from writer's block." I think that's pretty good advice, because it's so easy to write like that, just letting the thoughts flow onto the page. If you're struggling with writing, a diary entries are a good place to start, and always a good fallback. Thank you for indulging in my delusions. :D


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